Saturday, January 8
finally got online after a few days of plopping straight to bed. just got back from chris's house.. to think we'll never step into it again.. nearly broke my back carrying all the stuff home.. the books weighed the most and they now line my bookcase proudly.. every time i take one out i'll think of her. being with all of you today reminded me of what we used to be, and hopefully still are. true friendships never die in our hearts.
my class is okay. as good as it can get i guess. i mean even now, although i have learnt to accept some 4/6 girls, i can't honestly admit to
liking them. reckon that'll be the case with a few of my new classmates. not that i really care, i went to hc to learn, and learn i must. playing's just a sideline. when i get kicked out after 3 months i want to be able to survive in sa's lousy arts course with a good headstart. of course, i will still be only a phone call away from st marg's if needed. the first day was hell. after 5 days of school, it's been getting progressively better. i guess the culture shock really did me in. i'm fine now, although i will
not become like them. i will
not compromise myself. if i speak, it will be in english, with the usual sprinkling of singlish. but not, God forbid, chinese. those aren't
my roots. i come from an english speaking school and i will keep that heritage. let others sway if they wish to. i know people expect me to come back cheena-fied. i won't. i won't. i'll stay me. yes i know you think i'm some sort of intellectual snob, with my nose in the air. but my pride will hold my back straight and when i come back, i will be the way i always was..
i wish everyone could be happy. that all of you could find close friends to support you where the rest of us can't. for gen's sake, i wish she could find someone to converse intelligently with in cj. for jean's and jan's sakes i wish they could find true friends.. the sort you bump into and never let go of. for chris's sake i wish she could find happiness in perth.. and not be too homesick for us.
i dream strange dreams at night. i see myself walking down the corridors.. i'm holding your hand and we're laughing.. i see myself jumping on your back in the pool and being carried about in the water.. i see us sprawled on my bed, snatching for bolsters and pillows.. i see us walking down orchard road at midnight after prom.. i hear our heels clicking along.. i don't know why i remember these little things.. but after meeting y'all today.. i can almost guess what i'll dream of tonight.
i promise i won't forget. seeing jan everyday.. how can i.. but i'm so scared i might.. i don't want it to end badly, with us walking past each other in the corridors with nothing but a hi and a wave and a bye. i want us to be able to talk the way we always have, with no inhibitions. i want to be able to throw my arms around you with my chin on your shoulder, and have it feel completely natural. we mustn't ever degenerate into mere aquaintances. i'd rather die.
it must've been love.
9:44 pm
xoxo
